Vocabulary is a topic that we don’t normally talk about unless you’re learning another language. I’m not shy to admit that my vocabulary isn’t always grand. In fact, it is something that I’ve been challenged with in my lifetime and yet I find it quite fascinating.
Having a huge range of vocabulary doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve got it all.
Have you ever made the distinction between positive and negative talk? If not, then keep on reading because that’s what I’m discussing today.
Shifting 5 simple words or common sayings in the English language.
The older we get. The less we think about how we talk, we just do. When English is a first language, it is learned from parents and generations before as well as at school. Albeit these days, there is more of a focus on positive language at the scholarly level, this wasn’t the case for many of the parents or elders out there.
Today, I’m only chipping a small off of an iceberg of possibilities when it comes to shifting vocabulary. Yet, if you really try hard with these small tips, you may see incredibly positive results. Of course, not always right away, with practice will bring you wisdom.
Without further ado, here are, 5 ways you can change your vocabulary to build better relationships
1. Should to could
2. Can’t to can
3. “Don’t forget to…” to “remember to…”
4. Automatic NO’s or ‘not now’s to “allow me some time to think, process or respond”
5. Always / Never; remove absolutes
Let’s talk about each one in detail.
My all time favorite word to change (and why is top of the list) is should to could. You’re actually only changing ONE LETTER here and the difference is vast! I recommend dropping ‘should’ from your vocabulary all together. This word might seem super normal to you and it may be harder to tell that it carries a negative connotation with it. When you tell someone that they ‘should do that’ you’ve already implied that it was something that was meant to be done and wasn’t. ‘Should’ is shrouded with the weight of expectations. Instead, when you replace a ‘should’ with a ‘could’ you are opening up opportunity for the verbal recipient. Asking someone if they “could do that”, allows them time to discern if they CAN and/or will do it. Often, the response from children changes to a more positive outcome when asked if they “could help out?” (Vs. “You should help out”). Cam you hear the difference? Try this out with your family and friends and see what happens 😉
2. Can’t to can. Ok this one is fairly popular nowadays and yet it’s still one that gets missed a lot! We say “I can’t” quite often, almost as a knee-jerk reaction when we don’t know how to do something or think it’s not possible, among many other reasons. Try to catch yourself saying can’t and replace it with CAN! Even if you don’t know if you can do it, you can tell yourself “I can try..” or “I can learn how to…”. On this one, apply the “fake it till you make it” principle. The more you believe you can, the more you will accomplish. What you think will come true with enough intent. To lighten the mood when in serious doubt, take a page from the Little Engine that could, and repeat to yourself “I think I can, I think I can…” 😀
My personal favorite motto growing up was “nothing is impossible”. Make your world a world where anything is possible – including the impossible.
3. Do you forget items or lose stuff a lot? To the chagrin of my parents, I certainly have lost so many things in this lifetime. Ha ha ha. Over the years, I started to shift my language internally and externally with friends and family to remembering this or that. It’s only a pet peeve of mine that it’s so common to say “don’t forget…”; when we break it down the saying is do NOT forget. So stating a negative and then stating forget. Most of the time what we hear is what we internalize. So staying ‘forget’ will likely result in… forgetting! Instead, use reminders with with positive jargon such as “remember to do…” of remember to bring…”. There is a greater chance that you will actually “remember” what you need to. Of course, this isn’t foolproof by any means, but it can help. Another helpful remembering bonus tip: train your brain to look behind yourself as you leave a space (car, bus, house, work etc). Chances are you will see an item or two or three that you can scoop up before leaving it behind to get lost! 😀
4. Autopilot “No’s” or “not now’”. Another quick response that usually spills out before processing happens. I’ve always had challenges with the word NO. This was my cue to dispute and debate the reason for this answer. Another fun character trait of mine growing up, surely I caused some undue stress. However, if someone took the time to think about their response and gave me an understandable reasoning for a no, then I could accept this and move on. Terms like “because I said so” would just make me boil inside. It wasn’t enough for me. I think it shows more respect to take a breath and ponder a request, even if briefly, that short time could change the reciprocating response better. You might curb discontent, mitigate a meltdown or even stop an argument in its tracks. Respect those who are around by listening, considering and responding with intent instead of autopilot. You will form better relationships with children if you respect their requests and treat them as you would want your own requests to be fulfilled.
5. This one will be fun to explain, by using the words to change as examples.
Never always use absolutes.
Using terms that signify an absolute, can create major friction in any relationship. Whether it’s parent-child or between siblings or spouses, the language hurdles are the same. How many times have you heard a sibling or spouse tout “you always do…” or “you never do…” or how about “you never clean your room, it’s pig sty in here!”
For the most part, it is unrealistic that someone always or never does something. When accused with an absolute the usual response is immediately combative. Arguments flare up because absolutes are unreasonable. It’s just not fair to blame someone with an absolute resolution. Chances are this person hasn’t always or never done (or said) something, and is much more likely that they don’t do (or say) something sometimes. Removing absolute terms gives room for interpretation, discussions, possible friendly debates, and settlements. Perhaps an agreement can be reached where it is determined that sometimes ‘this or that’ occurred and would be nice if it could change to a different outcome at times. We can learn to adapt easier, if there aren’t absolute expectations at play.
For some added fun, let’s compound points #1 & 5 from this post, for an excellent example of what not to say. See if you can practice shifting the terms for a different outcome.
“You should clean your room because it’s always messy and you never keep it tidy.” WHOA! What kind of response do you think that will incur? How could it be said differently? Do you think the outcome would be the same?
What about this one…
“I’ve never seen you do the dishes, I always have to do them”.
“nobody ever puts the toilet seat down” or “doesn’t anyone know how to change a toilet paper roll? It’s always left up to me.”
Go forth and update your vocabulary. Practice positive language and reap the rewards!