For the most part, what an ugly emotion! It’s not really a topic I WANT to write about rather it’s an emotion I feel NEEDS to be discussed.
Why? Because I find that most people don’t know what to do with anger when it comes up. And yes, it comes up at inopportune times, often in the worst places, or sometimes when we are on our own (with our thoughts). Generally, anger is a response to external stimuli; a physiological and physical reaction to an event or new information. I’ll also comment here for empaths, angry feelings can be felt or experienced even if they aren’t yours, it is still your energy field responding to someone else’s state. No matter if the angry feelings are yours or not, it is still imperative to work through the intensity of the emotions (& learn from them). Here are 5 simple steps to practice:
A) Diffuse & defer the situation.
B) Release or allow the emotion to flow (in a safe way)
C) Identify your trigger or catalyst
D) “Process” to understand this information in your way
E) Resolution
Let’s talk about each of these steps in more detail.
A) By diffuse & defer a situation, I mean simply to allow space for heated emotions to cool. Step away from an argument, stop continuing a conversation, and choose to cease fire. Defer the topic until you’ve worked through B-D. After that, if needed to resolve the topic, then you may want to return to resolve. In finding a resolution, there is generally forgiveness, changes in perception, and sometimes changes in the heart. Remember that blaming others is not a way to resolution. Look at yourself before playing the blame game.
B) Release and/or allow anger to flow. This can be one or two steps depending on your process and preference. However, I believe it is important to learn and plan your “angry practice” when you are NOT angry. This might sound strange to you at first thought. Why would one plan or practice being angry?? Well, the more you practice getting in and out of an intense emotion, the better control you will have when it does come up. Personally, with extremely intense emotions, I try to match the energy of activity with the intensity of my anger (such as a hard workout or angry art – get lost in it for a while until I feel my body has calmed down and doesn’t feel “wrapped up in the throes of anger”, then I can move onto steps C & D. Other ways, are choosing a super calm activity to bring down vibrations such as stepping away from the situation and going for a walk (fast or slow), meditating, picking up artwork, self-care, cleaning, or or or… in these ways (and many others) you can become great at “releasing” an emotion. The other end of this spectrum is to allow the feeling. Perhaps releasing just isn’t working for you and this feeling just lingers to the point of not going away. Then you can try to allow it by stating out loud or in your mind that you allow this feeling. You can even ask it why it’s there and what you need to learn from it. Might sound a bit ‘cooky’ to talk to your experienced feeling but it could be worth a try. You may be surprised at the results and what happens next.
C) Identify your trigger (or catalyst). That “cherry on top” moment pushed things over the edge to essentially “blow up”. Usually, you have to complete step B to be able to think clearly without the burden of intense feelings. Step C works best with a calm mind, body, and spirit (well. As calm as possible). That said, just do your best whenever you can.
D) Process. Process. Process. It’s a process! Haha. OK, now that emotions are more manageable and you’ve successfully figured out your trigger – now you can process. This will mean different things for everyone. However, what is important is the self-introspection to discover more about yourself. Asking yourself questions and listening to yourself. Could you learn more about why ‘said trigger’ sets you off so much? Was it a childhood experience or perhaps conditioning from a parent or school? Did you have a traumatic experience that left you with emotional scars? In working through your questioning and answer ‘process’ you will gain knowledge about your “inner workings” and develop emotional wisdom over time. Often when we learn why something happened, we can grow from it and hopefully not repeat the same experiences. That said, there are times we keep getting the same (life) lesson over and over until we stubbornly accept that we have something to learn from it. Your process will be different from mine and likely those around you. Just keep trying your best to find out why. Just like young kids go through a “why, why. Why? But why?” phase. Get curious in this way about your own emotions. Should you need help processing and understanding, be open to asking for help. Even just a sounding board can go a long way for processing feelings but also seek the assistance of a qualified professional if you want extra support.
E) Resolution. Once you’ve processed your anger and know what it is all about, then it is best to resolve any “emotional loose ends” that may have been a result of an angry situation. You can “tie up loose ends” by returning to anyone else involved or the original site of the outburst to discuss your thoughts and feelings about what happened and why. If other people were involved l, this step would be vital to complete and be able to move forward. There might be forgiveness, hugs, and/or tears too. Talk it out until it’s all out. You may feel drained from all of this or possibly energized from the resolution. Remember you can fill yourself with with white or bright light to replenish energy reserves. Take your time and know that a nap could be ideal after such an ordeal too.
I’d like to mention an alternate step either before A or B. This is for (some) empaths and a really important piece. This step is, always figuring out if the perceived sensations or situation started with yourself or if it ‘belongs’ to someone else. This can be done in many ways and the more practice you have, the easier and faster this identification will come to you. I won’t go into details here, just know it is possible to feel lots more than your feelings. Knowing this is part of the puzzle and second, learning to identify when it IS more than your sensations.
I would encourage everyone to try and practice getting in and out of angry feelings (try it alone) and to become more mindful during and after a heated argument with someone. We’ve all been in a situation like that, some bad and some just hot debating and we are often left with yucky feelings afterwards.
Uncontrolled anger has lasting damaging effects. It can ruin lives, relationships, and families.
Be mindful of your anger and respect those closest to you. Do they deserve your anger or your love? How can you change anger for yourself?
Not all anger is bad and can be used for good too. It just depends on how we handle it. In parting, I will leave you with a short story from Dax Shepard & his wife, Kristen Bell, from Dax’s podcast ArmchairExpert when he hosts Kristen for the first time. The first thing I love about this episode is that they start the show talking about how they, were then, currently fighting as they are starting the podcast. They continue to discuss openly their feelings and thoughts, quite calmly and refreshingly honest. But it’s their story about how they learned to fight, is when I found their story a true relationship inspiration. To paraphrase, they learned how to argue with each other positively. When they can tell if a topic could get heated – they will ask one another, “Do you want to dance”. If the answer is yes, then that is the signal this is ok to engage in an emotional back and forth. Yet, if the answer is no, then the topic at hand is immediately dropped. The respect they have for one another when they say “no” is commendable and is their version of “diffuse”. You could also consider, that when they choose “to dance” that is their form of identifying and processing.
In what ways can you ‘learn to dance’ in life and/or relationships? When can you safely practice feeling boiling angry and bringing it back to calm as a cucumber? Could you find positive ways to shift anger or ways to move through it better? Perhaps you learn that you don’t have to avoid conflict anymore and can hold your own in a debate. Or maybe you learn to voice your opinions in a more digestible way for others to understand better.
Whatever your journey is with anger, know that every emotion is temporary (even the good ones), and you can learn how to positively handle it. Use it to fuel great things such as art, getting projects done and so much more.
Go forth and be angry. Learn from it and use it for good.