What would change in your life if you stopped blaming other people?
I will tell you that my life certainly changed when I stopped blaming others for what I was experiencing. Someone once stopped me in my tracks and told me to stop blaming others.
So now, I offer the same advice – stop blaming others.
Too often I hear people recounting their woes and it goes hand in hand with the finger of blame flared out and fired.
“He said,” “she said,” “they did this or that” and so on.
The trouble with the blame game is that the focus is on anyone else besides yourself. We don’t take the time to assess our own actions and behaviors to see if we were in fact part of the problem.
I’m embarrassed to say it took me more than 20 years to learn this and understand this. I blamed other people most of the time and couldn’t even see that I played any role when things went sideways. It was as if it was my way of saving face – someone else’s fault. Always. Never mine.
However, when I started to look at my own actions and reactions, I realized that I was putting undue stress on people that did not deserve it. If you haven’t guessed it yet, fights started to dissipate, and resolutions became easier and easier. Grudges faded away allowing for deeper more meaningful relationships.
Nowadays it’s rare to hear me blame anyone, instead I will share what my experience was and explain why I reacted in such a way. It often leads to an open discussion about that event without negative reactions or outbursts.
When was the last time you blamed a coworker, spouse, or family member for how you felt when they did whatever it was, they did?
Take a moment to think about this, did they do what they did to intentionally create your feelings? Or were your feelings simply your reaction? Do you think they had control over how you would feel or react?
Likely no. Well, exceptionally at times spouses and siblings (most common) do purposefully push buttons – I’m not talking about this though, in this case I’m talking about other events that generally aren’t targeted towards you. It seems natural to internalize particular events and take them personally even though they had nothing to do with yourself. Once you can step aside and take stock of the situation, you may come to see that it was not all about you. Your feelings got hurt, because of how you interpreted it. A change in perspective can have a profound impact on how you react.
Take teenagers for example, they usually go through a phase were their parents “are the worst” or “…
Yet they fail to see that their parents love them and have implemented rules for very good reasons. How many of us grew up to come to appreciate those rules and what their parents did for them? OK, maybe not for everyone. However, I have heard this to be true on many occasions. Did perspectives change with age?
Remember these fairly famous sayings & sentiments…
“When you are pointing one finger at someone, there are 3 more pointing back at yourself.”
We can only control our actions and reactions not others. So why do we blame others so much for what we think is wrong?
Take control of the blame game by shutting it down hard. If you are a parent, don’t allow your kids to continue the blame game. Certainly, try not to engage blame-blame between patent-child. Instead, det an example for them and facilitate discussions. Why blame your kids for their actions, when you could create a learning moment to help them understand what went wrong. Blaming them will only result in resentment. Likely the blame will come right back the next opportunity arises. Break this circle and be the adult.
Of course that was a specific parent-child example, however it could be applied to any close relationship.
When you hear yourself starting to say, “because they did…,” it is time to rethink your next statement (or thoughts). Take a tiny time out to assess how your actions may have played a roll. When communicating further, try to share from your perspective first.
Useful strategies and language:
“I reacted to this situation because..”
“I felt this way when this happened…”
“My feelings are…”
“I thought this way and it caused me to react this way…”
There are many ways to release blame once you can dive deeper to gain more understanding in any given situation.
Take ownership and become a leader! Shift that blame, let it go, and learn!
Begone blame! Set yourself free from boundless blame shackles.
Go forth and be blame free.