Memories are a precious intangible commodity of our minds. Even with memorabilia to jog ones memory, ones perception of their memory is still a fleeting thought from our conscious psyche. We hold onto our memories for as long as possible in this lifetime. Our memories can bring about all kinds of emotions from the great to the not so great. And since I love talking about emotions, it only seems fitting to discuss one of they ways that can pole vault into a catalyst of an emotional experience from a perceived memory.
Although memories are yours and yours alone, when you go through shared experiences with another or others, your perceived memory can be vastly different from someone else’s memory. Even if the two of you experienced the same event at the same time.
Because perceived memory is so individual this can cause problems in relationships if poorly handled. Whether it is a partnership with your spouse, colleagues at work, or a parent-child relationship you can almost be certain that your memory of an event will differ from another. Each one of our brains translates and imprints memories in different ways. For example, some people remember more colors, shapes, or names while some might remember dates, times, and landmarks better. Of course, there are some lucky individuals with photographic or identic memories who have an upper hand in remembering all sorts of incredible details. For the rest of us, we rely on normal brains to hold our memories. For the most part, this is completely fine. It is when memories fade or change over time and you compare stories with others that you may find variances, small to large. I’ve heard many arguments over the years from people comparing their memories, where both were being absolute that their thoughts are the “right ones” or “this IS how it was and you’re wrong”.
Have you ever been in a car navigating for someone and it hasn’t turned out well? OR been in the back seat while a navigator and the driver try to muddle their way through the city only to end in an argument? What about trying to recount past stories around a campfire; do your stories match up exactly? How do they differ? Are there missing gaps (for no obvious reasons ;P )
In any relationship, is important to understand that perceived memory can be different for each individual. Understanding this can support, strengthen, and grow depth in your relationships.
When you hang onto your memory as the ‘end-all-be-all’, then you will likely walk yourself right into an argument. The more stubborn both people are, the more likely a debate can flare up into a fight. Without practicing how to diffuse and defer heated angry emotions, it can escalate quickly.
However, you can learn and practice new ways of communicating about memories to build bonds. Talking a walk down memory lane could be a fun experience.
When you’re on your own, and walking down memory lane, be mindful of your self-talk. Listen to what you’re saying to yourself and about your memories. If your self-talk is negative, start changing it to positive wording. Try to point out the positives in your memories instead of the things you didn’t like. Over time, this will build more positive memories for yourself.
When you are with others, practice open communication. By asking what the other person remembers, you can validate each other while you share. Perhaps your memories are somewhat different or are entirely opposite though, what do you do then? Well, start by removing any blame; refrain from pointing that finger! Instead of accusing someone, try getting curious. Find out why your memories are so different, be inquisitive, and share feelings or experiences you recall with positive self-reflection statements such as “I remember this feeling from this event, what feelings do you recall from this time?” The more open-hearted you can keep your communication, the more likely the two of you will find common ground or be able to kindly agree to disagree because you do have different perceived memories. And that is OK too – after all, as mentioned, our perceived memories generally are different from others. The key is learning how to handle differing memories and relationships. Be kind to those around you because those are the ones who love you most. You can also forward to an upcoming post on vocabulary with tips on shifting your language for better relationships.
If you don’t allow for discussion and interpretations of your perceived memories then you are setting yourself up for resistance and battles.
At times you may want to seek external validation of a memory. This may or may not be helpful depending on your resources. There are many ways we validate perceived memories: by talking with others to hear their recounts, referencing external materials & calendars if applicable, looking through old photographs, watching home videos, etc.
Also, with age, we eventually come to terms with the fact that our memories are not 100%. The more time passes the higher the chance that perceived memories are just that, perceived.
If memory loss is of growing concern then it would be wise to look into mental health support for conditions like Alzheimer’s or Dementia. Seeking professional healthcare service sooner, rather than later, could result in more successful treatments before conditions get too advanced to be helped.
Cherish your memories, treat them with love, and respect those of others.
Go forth and make any memories and enjoy remembering them in your way and sharing them in your own way.